Life in the Fast Lane

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As Valentine’s Day draws nigh, so does so does depression, loneliness and heartbreak for countless people. V-day isn’t hearts and roses for all — with the single population higher than ever, divorce rates increasing and those whose hearts are on the mend, it’s the one day of the year that singles out the single, and places relationships under the looking glass for those who are in one.

Photo Fubuki

It’s the most romantic holiday of the year involving a naked guy with wings shooting arrows at people. If you’re tired of the Valentine’s Day hype, you’re not alone. It tortures the couple-less and flattens the pockets of others. Get over it Cupid, we don’t heart you, we hate you.

How romantic can a day be when it guilts us into displaying our love by spending money? Valentine’s Day is a romance mandate, and there’s nothing romantic about that. Give flowers, jewelry and gifts on any other day and you’ll be romantic. But on Valentine’s Day, it merely means you’ve fulfilled a duty.

Singles
The fact is, we’ve all been there. All it does is remind singles that there’s love out there, which isn’t actually very comforting when you’re alone. It’s wonderful to have love, but sucks to be you if you don’t. It’s a pity that people are made to feel badly because they don’t have a love in their life, all because of the forced sentimentalism of a contrived, overly commercialized holiday for which you didn’t receive any store-bought love.

Photo Fast Boy

Valentine’s Day may be a cute and playful time for the lucky ones, but for single women, there is no day we dread more. For you, bittersweets — the Valentine’s candy for those going solo? Available in 2 varieties — dejected and dysfunctional. All the displays of perfect coupledom only serve to turbo-charge the sinking feeling that everyone else is far more in love and having a lot more sex than you are.

We get upset about being alone and feel even more lonely than we already do on a holiday that celebrates love and relationships. But whether you’re a man or a woman doesn’t really make a difference — loneliness is loneliness no matter your gender. It hurts to be reminded that you aren’t celebrating and aren’t being celebrated on a holiday that’s supposed to be about love.

You feel completely worthless if you don’t have a valentine and get all depressed watching mushy love movies, and eating bon-bons until you get sick just to chase away all those stupid feelings.

If you truly want to be happy, search for what makes you happy. More often than not, being content with who you are will bring it to you. Happiness is being able to recognize who you are and what you’re here for. Being able to live with your self is the answer.

So don’t distress over not being in a relationship. It will happen for you when it’s meant to. Until then, raise your glass, bottle, or can and say “Suck rotten eggs Saint Valentine!”

Relationships
Even if you are in a relationship, V-day stresses people out, especially men. It makes them do dumb things, like light candles and stuff. It gets men into trouble when they don’t do dumb things like light candles and stuff because, actually, she really wanted you to, but prompting is so unromantic.

Photo Ollie Girl

In new relationships, whether or not you take her out or buy her a gift speaks volumes about ‘where you’re at’ long before you’re ready for the ‘are we having a relationship?’ talk.

So much focus on one little day can actually make people begin to second-guess the hearts and candy they do get — is he really that into you, or did he just pick up the generic be-a-good-boyfriend package on his way home? Many women would rather their boyfriend did something nice for her unprompted than something ‘romantic,’ just because it’s a day when he’s supposed to.

If you and your date are trying to figure out ‘where this relationship’s going,’ be forewarned — have any ‘talks’ around V-day, and you’ve just compounded the meaningfulness factor by 1000. Every move, word, sentiment or flaw is examined in great detail for deeper meaning.

Valentine’s Day can bring a couple to make-or-break status. People have too high an expectation of what’s going to happen — it creates a really strange atmosphere, and if something’s going to go wrong it always goes wrong on this night.

When the relationship is stumbling, Valentine’s Day is a magnifying glass that finds a sunbeam and burns your heart to the ground.

Though many couples and singles do something special this day, almost as many on both sides of the relationship confess to loathing the syrupy day of romance and the stress, depression, guilt and disappointment that come to surface when it arrives.

7 Things to Do on Valentine’s Day
If you hate the holiday, you’re not alone, but don’t despair — here are some things to help you make it a little more bearable. What would I recommend for a good anti-Valentine’s Day?

1. If you’re unattached, avoid any place couples go. Do something for yourself, at home.
2. Rent a good ‘bad’ movie like My Bloody Valentine, Valentine, or even The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.
3. Get a pedicure. If you’re a man, trust me and take my advice — you’ll love the experience.
4. Head over to Zwinky and get some anti-Valentine’s greetings to send.

5. Dash into romantically-lit restaurants and throw flyers covered with divorce statistics at any tables for 2.

6. And if you’re really hoping for a diamond ring this V-day, just head over to the jewelry store and be your own bloody Valentine.

7. Last but not least, there’s a glimmer of darkness in the light, as the St. Skeletor’s Day website has designed a holiday just for you! It happens the day after Valentine’s Day, named after the figure who can truly unite us all — Skeletor from He-Man.

Each year on February 15th, the festival of St. Skeletor occurs worldwide in celebration of:

- The destruction of ‘lurrve’
- The destruction of saucy greetings cards
- The destruction of people with boyfriends / girlfriends

That’s right, get over it Cupid, we hate you.

Love Stinks

Love REALLY Stinks

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